How to Help a Postpartum Friend: The Tangible Stuff
Written by Morgan Dixon, LMFT
There are plenty of lists out there about what to give new parents and what to do so I wanted to write something about how to get in there and really help in tangible ways. We all know parents are overwhelmed but what exactly can another person do about that. It’s intimidating! And confusing! Plus, most of us are conditioned to avoid asking.
We all know the dance and feelings behind refusing…”other people don’t know where my dishes go so they can’t put them away,” “I am the one who has to learn how to take care of this baby,” or simply, “it’s just too much to ask.” These are very valid reactions to offers. And if the person you are hoping to support is struggling from postpartum depression or anxiety, the resistance to letting other people in can be so much more intense. This brings me to the first key: Hold perspective for all that, but also, don’t let it make you afraid to try.
Remember this, new mothers usually want to be with their babies. They are trying to figure it out! They often feel the impulse to be the one who is capable of soothing, holding, feeding, and getting to sleep even if they are struggling with these things. So when it comes to offering and being supportive, here are a few other rules of thumb:
Consider who and what might need tending that does not relate to taking care of the new baby.
For example: Are there other kids that need to be picked up or shown some extra attention? Are there meals that could use covering or groceries in the fridge? Is there a dog that could use a good walk? Etc. etc. etc.
***A Hot Tip: Think of the invisible mental load and all that goes into making life happen for everyone in a family. See if there are any of these pieces you might be able to help pick up for your friend.***
Impose yourself a little…
Step One: Say when you are coming by and why, or ask, and offer several options.
Ideas/Examples:
“Hey, I am stopping by with coffee on my way to work, I am gonna leave it on the porch!”
“I am already at the store, I know your toddler still drinks milk, can I grab you some?”
“I have two free evenings this week and was hoping to stop by and take the dog for a walk. Is Tuesday or Thursday better?”
“I am gonna check in Sunday morning to see if you are up for a breakfast delivery.”
Step Two: Think of what could be helpful and make suggestions.
Idea/Example: “While I am there I can also water the garden or anything else you are needing!”
Note: Specific offers help jog people’s imaginations for what they can ask for and when you nail something that would be helpful it allows them to feel like they aren’t asking for too much.
Step Three: Once you are there, notice what needs tending and do while you talk.
Note: The goal here is not to force help on people who don’t want it, instead, it’s just to show them that you really are willing and it’s not too big of an ask. Of course, if someone says no and you can tell they mean it, let it be. The goal here is to channel some good loving mother energy toward the person and that means anticipating needs as much as it means responding to what is being asked.
Take as much of the burden for helping and how to help onto yourself.
If you have questions, you can pose them (where does this go, etc.), but keep inquiry to a minimum. Just do your best and if you can’t figure it out, arrange things in such a way that will make it easier for them to do later.
Follow through as much as you can with tasks. For example, if you bring something over like food or toilet paper, put it away while you are there.
It's so important that we aren’t asking other people to take care of us when we are there to help. Do as much as you can while asking as little as possible from the person you are visiting.
Check in Often
Reach out to let them know you are holding them in mind (if you happen to be awake in the middle of the night and think to do it, even better). You could say something like: “No pressure to respond, just wanted to let you know I am here and awake and thinking about you.”
Ask specific questions: “How was last night?” “How did the baby eat today?” “Is there anything you are worried about?”
When people answer, just listen. Maybe ask more; try to understand. Try not to offer advice or talk about what it’s like after this period. Just be with them where they are.
If it seems like there is something they could use help with, ex. researching something, you could say: “Hey, i have some time this afternoon, can I send you some numbers of lactation consultants or help you schedule an appointment?”
And when you do talk, sprinkle in as much encouragement as you can…
‘Wow did you see the way they smiled at you! You are doing such a good job.”
“I am so so proud of you. I know this is really hard.”
“I am here for you AND you are enough.”
“You are just who this baby needs.”
“Even good mom’s have hard times and you are a very good mom.”
Even now that my daughter is almost 5, my friends and I still do this for each other in small and big ways. Sometimes someone will say, I need help. Can you come over? Other times it’s more spontaneous. Just this week, one of them was leaving for a long trip the next day with her two kids and I was over dropping something off. Without even really talking about it we both just went about quickly picking up her house. She put away like a thousand legos, I vacuumed, and we folded a load of laundry together. We walked around talking and catching up while we did it. It was SO easy and fast and we both kind of looked at each other amazed at the end and said, “well, that was nice.” Sure washing dishes isn’t that hard but many hands really do make light work. May we all find the village we need in each other!!
xx,
Morgan